Where Are We?
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."
The Old Man 
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him their seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.
As he gets up off the bus floor, a seven year old kid sitting nearby, turns to him and says,
Mister, if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."
Subject: Dear Abby letters that left her at a loss for words.
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It is getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I do not know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I have suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $100.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, I have a man I cannot trust. He cheats so much, I am not even sure the baby I am carrying is his.
Retirement From The Navy
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.
The third was a grizzled old Chief Petty Officer who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, provided the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em", which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied........ "Vietnam"
Sadie and Yetta
Sadie and Yetta, two Jewish widows, are talking.
Sadie: "That nice tailor, Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch he is dressed, with a fine suit and wonderful lining.
And he brings me such beautiful flowers you would die for.
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner....Marvelous dinner. Lobster, even.
Den ve go see a show.....Let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!
Sadie: "Oy! Vey...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No...No... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Do You Know, or Do You Care...?
--The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, more than any other animal.
--The flea can jump 350 times its body length, which is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
--A cockroach will live nine days without its head. The only reason it doesn't live longer is it's unable to eat.
--Butterflies taste with their feet.
--Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully)
--A cat's urine glows under a black light.
--An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
--Starfish haven't got brains.
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